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18th June, 2008. 6:00 am.

"how do you get through it-you have love in your life."-army wives.

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18th June, 2008. 3:06 am.

i think people expect me to go back to normal.. And im sorry to dissapoint them and say i cant.you look at people..maybe you wonder why they keep their sunglasses on indoors..let their bangs cover their eyes.. Cover their vulnerablitiy. If you look at me...youd never know i was sexually assaulted/raped. You would never know i used to have an eating disorder. Ha. Well only a few know and glladd im over that phase..sure i have my days..but dang i looooooveeeee fooooddd. :] ahhhaa. Mmmmm. Delliisshh. So anyway idk its night time again and i am exhausted i need to get out of the house..im going crazy. Sometimes at night i get scarred really scarred... And i dont want to bother people..so i search rape recovery website for a number..i called and hung up..why would i talk to a stranger ... I like talking to people i trust idk. Idk. Idk. Idk. So i dont know what to do.. I pray.. Journal. :[ awhhh. :0/

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17th June, 2008. 2:18 pm.

Kind of feel like this.
when she cries-britt nicole

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17th June, 2008. 1:52 pm. ADULT CONTENT

I hope people do not think i always have problems.. because i dont if you really knew me... youd know im ALWAAYYS laughing and lamost peeing my pants and always super happy :] I dont know..things happen....

Max pushed me down ... got on top of me.. kissed me.. i was okhay with a kiss.. cool great. not a big deal... i dont go around kissing any guy i see im NOT a slut. IM NOT a whore. Then he had one hand on my shoulder,yanked my shorts down [yeah my shorts are loose enough to just pull down.] then kissed me and tried to take my shirt off.. reached u and almost unhooked my bra.. unhooked one hook. i yelled NO! so he hand his hands on my shoulders and pulled my underwear down with his teeth.. and did something that didnt feel good.. idk what. GROSS. vile. virulent. then he fingered me.. i think it was his finger at least.. in and out like 6 times the MOST PAINFUL thing ive ever felt like that. i bled.. my underwear were ripped like three times then he let me go. i flung my shortds on got out of the car one strap down, hair an utter mess sunglasses on to hide all the tears that had welled up then he sped off and i collapsed and bawlled my eyes out.
i cant sleep at night... i wake up.. nightmars.. sometimes i have great dreams, ugh last night i had a dream my teachers at school found out.. it was horrible.. but one teacher was really nice and took me under her wing. gjndfajgnfsj gah. Idk. i am getting back to my old self.. one strand of hair at a time... one less tear at a time... one more laugh closer. I seem to be fine when im around certain people.. like rachel, brenda, lara... okhay so they are the only ones who know maybe thats why. idk. when im alone i cry alot and idk. i cant sleep sometimes till 2 or 3 in the morn.
BUUURRNNNEDDD.. left collapsed to cry out your less than sorry words.
idk anymore.. i think ill be ALOTT better once i can leave the house i really want to get OUTT. like go to HILLPOINTE park. my FAVORITE place EVER. and desert shores next to the water. i love nature I can feel God there.. in the Wind hes whispering he loves me.. the way my hair blows over my shoulders.. closer your eyes and the sun kisses your cheecks, the feel of green warm grass under your toes. :] thats God.
henry wants me to type him up something.. im thinking that maybe 4th of july.. or idk maybe next week we can all go to hillpointe park.. church people anyone who wants to.. well Highschoolers... and grill henry can grill hot dogs :P ick, and veggie burgers and stuff and we can all play soccer or something idk. ha but when we went there as a sunday school it was great. :]
lara and i are having a movie fest ha i guess i watch alot of movies.. but not GOOD ones haa. thats cool i LOVE renting movies.. eh theaters.. idk ick.. sticky floors, screaming kids, throwing popcorn and TEN dollars.. dude thats like TEN DEL TACO BURRITTOS ha. too much money.. renting is like a few bucks yeah MUCH better.. and you can actually talk to ur friends that way idk.
i love being happy . friends. sunshine. life is good.

khay so last night i was panicking .. i needed to talk to sum1 but i was NOT going to tell anyone else... like idk i cant talk to rachel OMG SHE wanted to go to the TWENTY year old guys party shesNEVER met she met on myspace and hookupwith him. i was like re you DUMMB..hello your best friends just got RAPED and you want to do soemthing so ignorant and jueveilly [spelling ? wrong!] stupid like that... wow. i was so angry and i explained to her how that was not cool. shes had sex and on the last day of school she hooked up with Jack.. shes liked wed never date but just for fun.. sorry but i dont go around wanting to get fingered by random guys khay and they were going to have sex but jack malfunctioned. i was like mm mkhay so yeah lets risk stds and dispbey God IM WAIIITTINNNGGG. okhay i was angry shedoesnt get it.. rape. hello. not something ive ever wanted ,... my lifes changed. its scary... fnsafjksngkjngfkjafndgfnkfd

back to guitar hero..
more later.

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15th June, 2008. 11:51 am.

I finaly realize im a horrible person.

But the Lord still loves me

Current mood: pissed off.

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13th June, 2008. 9:58 pm. ON the road to recovery

so passing out was scary..i thought i was going to die.. All i remeber is saying mom i hink im gonna pass out then hitting the side of her..then throwing up pieces of my stomach mmm gross i know ew and imagine the feel of acid on my throat after surgery..yeah owww. Anyway why do people search each others eyes..can u really tell truth from fiction from someones eyes? Gosh i hope i feel a wholllee lot better tmrw and no more sickness and passing out. Pray for me plleeassseee

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10th June, 2008. 5:54 pm.

Ewww i dont feel well. My ribs. My neck my chest bones/sternum and back hurt. Htgfcvbnjhgfcvnhg probably from the way i was sleeping i was sleeping on mom..it hurts to much hafta sleep on sum1 for now. Gahh i hope tmrw my throat feels better i cld eat ice cream like crazy yesterday now i can barley eat ice agaagfds its sooo sore like acidic. Awwh pray it gets better. Awh :0/ i hope it heals fas and i can sleep alot so it goes by faster ttyl

Current mood: uncomfortable.

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10th June, 2008. 12:57 am.

i mean maybe he thought it was okhay although im sure i made it clear it wasnt. Idk i cant look at him the same... Ive seen another side.. A scary one i never want to see again he was my best guy friend.. We fought like bro and sister. Ewww. And he tried so hard to pull my underwear off and unhook my braw shoot he got them halfway down. Eh. Gross. Idk i yelled stop. Then im too self comcious stop no. But idk guess that didnt matter. Ew well i cant twait till brenda and rachel come over sat. Idk i thnk laras cmng sun. Ewww. Eww. Ewwwwwwww. Peace for now.. Journaling from my phone thank goodness for key boards!

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10th June, 2008. 12:57 am. life changes

fri. Night i dont know what happened. My underwear has several holes in them. I know he grabbed them with his teeth. Ick. And i tried to stop him...i dont know if that was his finger.. Or you know his sex organ. Ew. I dont know if he released. Or if i was just bleeding or if it was from his mouth. Ew hgtrdcvgfd i just dont know. Whateever happened it mustve been Gods will. Other things happened.. But im not ready to state them. Ew i took a shower and used rachels whole bottle of shower gel. Ew. And ew. And ew. I feel so violated and upset. And gross and skankey.. But lara said im not a slut and it wasnt my fault..and i believe it. Ick... Idk i just dont know. But im so glad i can talk to brenda lara and rachel. Kellie doesnt know really what happened. She got an idea when i was bawling in her car waiting for rachel.. But nt the whole scoop. And i told mel. Today gah so embarassing but shes training to be a nurse and mel has been there for me since 6th grade and shes helped me thru the worstof times..ahhhhhh

Current mood: exhausted.

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26th April, 2008. 9:41 pm.

She couldn't take one more day
Home was more her prison now
Independence called out
She had to get it

A fight was all she needed
To give her reason
She slammed the door with no goodbye
And knew that it was time

Now she's driving too fast
She didn't care to glance behind
And through her tears she laughed
It's time to kiss the past goodbye

I'm finally on my own
Don't try to tell me no
There's so much more for me
Just watch what I will be

She walked away
Couldn't say why she was leaving
She walked away
She left all she had believed in
She walked away

Not a day goes by
For the one she's left behind
They're always asking why
And thoughts of her consume their mind


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